Ten Steps on How to Become a Slacker

Being a slacker does not mean just being apathetic and aimless, it is taking the path of least resistance to avoid that which is abhorred. Becoming an accomplished slacker is no mean feat and for those young aspirants to the position I have outlined ten steps that can be easily followed.

First of all you should get the basics:

1. Buy a bean bag: What kind of slacker apartment or basement is going to be complete without a beanbag chair? It is a most excellent accessory.

2. Buy a video game: One of the ultimate slacker household motifs, a video game will provide you with an activity while eating snacks and in no way be productive.

3. Buy a hammock: This is another piece of the ultimate slacker furniture. It is also easy to sleep in, and if you have any visitors you can say “I was just resting my eyes”.

There are a few things to learn:

4. Learn to play a musical instrument: Okay, starting this one takes a lot of initiative but once the instrument (preferably an electric guitar) is purchased you can leave it in the corner until someone comes over, then sit in your bean bag and play it without plugging it in. Awesome.

5. Learn origami: This is a really great way to make people think you are doing something important and they will almost always give you space when you are practicing folding paper.

6. Become a follower of Zen: Zen Buddhism is the ultimate slacker religion. The followers get to sit around all day looking at walls. If anyone complains you are not doing something, tell them you are busy meditating. Tell them a slacker koan if they don’t believe you.

If you need anything it is okay to beg. It is more than okay; it is your duty as a follower of Zen. Actually the hero of the Great Lebowski, a slacker hero, was not a follower of Zen, he was a pseudo-Taoist. Close enough.

There are also a few miscellaneous activities:

7. Arrange a source of income: This needs to be passive. What kind of slacker wants to get up every day and go to the pizza store (or mall, office, whatever) when there are so many more important/alternate things to do? Passive income can be earned from a parent or any relative, a spouse, or even from investments if someone funded the thing properly from the beginning.

8. Do not support the war effort (pay taxes): Actually this bit of slacker philosophy is practiced by some of the richest people in the world who would shudder at the thought of being called slackers. (They also survive on residual income, don’t they?) According to Wikipedia, the word slacker was used to describe someone back in World War I who would not support the war effort and who dodged the draft. (Being against the war effort is not the same as being against soldiers.) According to this definition Thoreau was a slacker, since he practiced civil disobedience and refused to pay taxes that would support slavery. Was Phaedrus a slacker as he travelled around the US on his motorcycle?

9. Start a blog: Okay, I admit I did not come up with this but I had to include it as it is the ultimate slacker excuse. If anyone complains about the amount of time you spend in front of your PC (you can be playing games, looking at porn, whatever) you can say you are working on your blog. Some non-slacker will surely ask you if it has made any money yet, but you can always tell them you are just waiting for enough traffic and are in the process of using several strategies to develop an income.

But most important for every slacker:

10. Don’t do anything in this list: The greatest part of being a slacker is the refusal to follow the rules. You do not have to buy a bean bag and a hammock, smoke pot, play a guitar, or deliver pizzas while living in your mom´s basement. Slackers can start huge web sites and multibillion dollar IPOs, can be great visionaries, or they can waste away in the basement. It is really up to the slacker to decide.

Are you ready to become an underachiever in the eyes of society?